It is said that for a human one of the first issues that is encountered is “Me Vs other,” in which we fight to preserve our interests over the interests of others. We identify with some things and need to value that identification over everything. We place our needs over the needs of the group and become egocentric (self centered) in how we live our lives. The next problem that stems from this one is “Us Vs them” in which we identify with a group and it’s ideals and pit ourselves against another group that different from ours. Both these problems create issues at an individual as well as a community level. While it is true that we need to take care of ourselves first and be true to who we are, we lose the ability to relate and understand others. We don’t see our role in difficult situations. Me Vs Others is a state of mind that gives rise to a lot of blaming, non acceptance and hostility towards those around us.
In an age, where everyone seems to be in survival mode and fighting for themselves, it seems almost a rebellion to start to cultivate empathy for others. We reserve our empathy only for those we see as worthy of it. Others ,we judge. Thus, we are rarely ever compassionate, as compassion comes from a deeper place of realisation that everyone is suffering in some way or another.
Why cultivate Empathy?
But why should we cultivate empathy? Why do it at all, when the whole world seems out to get you and each one is for themselves? Because, the amount of judgement we have for others is directly proportional to the amount of judgement we unconsciously have for ourselves. We are unkind, unempathetic, critical, hostile, and judgemental towards ourselves and we extend that to others around us. So our perceptions and interpretations of others are a direct mirror of how we treat ourselves. It is easier to catch it when we do it to others, than when we do it to ourselves. And hence, cultivating empathy is a useful tool, we can start from the outside and move inwards slowly. Or the other way is useful too. But as mentioned, it is easier to see judgement for others than for our own selves.
The other benefits of course are that our reactivity with others drops substantially when we become more empathetic. Your snapping statements to your mother, sarcastic comments towards your partner, irritability towards your boss will not be as prominent as when you are practicing compassion and empathy towards them. Your stress levels reduce greatly and you may become more mindful in your interpersonal relationships.
This article outlines a few ways in which you can start working on cultivating empathy.
1. Watch your Judgement
Our minds are conditioned to pass judgement over every experience we have, how much ever minor the experience is. We like and dislike every single thing that happens to us. In the same way, out judgement begins as soon as we lay eyes on a person, with our past experiences with them or someone like them influencing us. Their entire identity: age, gender, race, religion education, work, the way they speak, their experiences, their thoughts, actions everything is put under an unconscious microscope. Now, judgement, evolutionarily is a useful tool, but we may not need to use it as much as we do. While it may be impossible or difficult to remove judgement entirely, but we can work on consciously avoiding our automatic judgements. The idea is to start watching, with intense awareness, our interactions with others, especially those who we judge more and dislike more than others. Watch how the mind keeps looking for things to evaluate, the thought that follow, the conclusions that we jump to. If we become too aware, we can be an observer to the judgement and thus disidentify with them by the simple act of watching them. Anyway all judgements are just one of the thousand interpretations of the situation. Watching them with full awareness is in opposition to being carried away by them. Empathy can come in when judgement starts going down.
2. Listen to ltisten, not to Reply
We are too eager to reply and many times our response is already ready even before the person has stopped speaking. Be present in your interactions, watching this need to reply instinctively. By doing this, we shift focus from what we think or feel about the person, to actually what they are trying to say. We stop seeing ourselves as the center of the conversation. It doesn’t matter whether we agree or disagree, what matters is that can we keep our own thoughts aside and be patient to listen to the other person. Listening practice helps us become more empathetic as we are giving more attention to the other.
3. Providing the space for Expression
When we talk of giving space to a person for expression, we begin with listening practice that is mentioned above. In addition to that, it is about not imposing ourselves on them and allowing freedom of expression for Fleur thoughts and emotions. Here, it is helpful to ask a person who is sharing something difficult, whether they want a listening space or do they want your advice on the topic. Based on that you can modify your responses. Also, providing space is also about giving appropriate prompts and questions that actually help the person express more. We must actively work on not wanting to fix or correct someone but actually give them explorative space to delve into their own minds a little bit deeper. Empathy and compassion grows when we make our ‘I’ smaller and provide space to others.
4. Putting yourself in their shoes
It helps to imagine what the person is going through and out yourself in their shoes. This is not to come up with a solution for them but to better understand their situation and state of mind. Of course, no one can really know exactly what the other is feeling, but we can come close to it. This means identifying and letting go of our own biases and prejudices or paths that we see as right. One has to be careful not to get too attached or caught up in this, so much so that it may affect us. But it does help, to try and see what this person’s reality is and that it equally important as ours.
5. Validating their Emotions
We negate others emotions very easily. “you shouldn’t get so angry,” “You need to just calm down, it’s not such a big deal,” “Other have it worse than you,” “Why are you overreacting,” “You’ll be fine once you exercise,” “it’s just a phase.” These are all subtle ways of invalidating a person’s emotions and telling them that what they are feeling is inappropriate or wrong or not acceptable. When a person is sharing something, they are already fighting their inner battles and their own judgement on their feelings. To belittle those feelings or invalidate them is more harmful to them. Validating emotions is validating their reality and letting them feel and express it the way they want. Offering help and support in a different way to deal with emotions comes later. But first, to exercise empathy, validate. “This must have been hard for you,” “It seems like you were going through a challenging time” “it sound rough, tell me more?”
are examples of how we can validate emotions of others.
At ZorbaWellness *Rehabilitation Center in India* , we treat *drug addiction and alcohol addiction* as well as mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, OCD and so on. Here, clients coming to a *rehab for deaddiction or treatment* , learn to start listening to others around them as well as their own inner voice. Overcoming mental health issues requires one to cultivate values such as empathy, kindness, acceptance, patience and so on. Many of us, when we are suffering lose these values and create more negativity for ourselves and those around us. But our relationships are here to teach us how we are, and by cultivating these values in our relationships we begin to see how to do it for ourselves. People may trigger us and we must use that opportunity to cultivate empathy and acceptance for them. And by doing, so we let go a little bit of our judgement for ourselves too. At the end of the day, no man is an island!